Helping Friends through Grief

Angel of Grief, Sculpture by William Wetmore Story

In a word, don’t.

And I say that because unless you know what you are doing, you might cause more grief and hurt. Most of us get anxious around people who grieve because we are scared of loss ourselves, even if  we are not conscious of it. Most of us don’t know how to behave around loss and grief, even if we have experienced some personal loss of our own.

If you really want to help, just be Present for them. People have their own grieving processes. Everyone is different. If need be, you tap for your own anxiety and helplessness around loss and grief.

Some of the LEAST  helpful things to say when some one has lost a loved one:

Don’t worry, you’ll get over it, you’ll be all right.
It’s meant to happen.
Now you are the man of the house.
He has gone to heaven.
I know how you feel.
Don’t cry, it’s all right.
What did you do to make that happen…. why didn’t you….
Change yourself to change others….

If you have to say something, here’s a suggestion from someone who had recently lost a loved one.

“I dont know what to do or say but I’m here for you. I’m here to support you in the way that you need me to. I don’t have the answers and may be I’m scared that I will say/do the wrong thing, so may be I may seem uncomfortable. But I’m here for you.”

If you have some experience with personal tragedy, and have suggestions for people who want to “help”, please feel free to comment – what was most helpful? what was least helpful? how did you want to be supported?

Resources for Dealing with Grief and Loss

In memory of Daniel Herrmann.

 

 

EFT for the Care Giver

If you are new to EFT and tapping please check the section on EFT Basics for the basic tapping technique.

When a loved one is ill, and you fear for their life, tap for calm so that you can transcend your fear. This is phrased to be slightly “provocative” and may not be for everyone. It acknowledges that sometimes we fear more for our loss, than the pain that our loved one is going through. Please feel free to amend according to your emotional needs.

“Even though it’s much easier to succumb to my habitual vortex of fear and dread, and I’m in a frenzy about loosing my mother, and beating myself up over being a bad daughter, I now choose to see that this is really a waste of energy. Even though I’d much rather indulge in my fear and drama, about the pain of seeing my mother suffer, than being of some use in this situation, I now choose to embrace my emotions, I deeply and completely love and accept where I am, I forgive myself, and anyone for contributing to this situation.

I now choose to embrace all that I feel and fear, and transmute them into loving kindness, into courage, into strength, into intelligence, so that I can be fully present to support my mom through her life’s journey. I now choose to gather all my wisdom and my life force, to generate in my heart positive intentions to support my mom through her hard times.

Even though I am still worried, because I am still human and I am a daughter who loves and needs her mother, I deeply and completely love and accept myself, I forgive myself. I choose to do the best I can, with the tools that I have at this time. I now choose to invoke a state of trust, of space, of solidity, stability, firmness, of ease to support myself and my mom.

Breathing in: Calm
Breathing out: Peace

Breathing in: Space
Breathing out: Ease
Breathing in: Smile ( I mean you smile)
Breathing out: Release”